Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart.

GTL:
•Drew Brees finally signed, three days before the deadline.
•Football preseason starts in a few weeks.
•CFA Cow Appreciation day was yesterday. My sisters and I set a new record by hitting 8 CFAs.
•I have three days off work next week.
•It's supposed to be hot and sunny so I can get in some pool time.
•I should get school money in a little over a month.
•I have awesome friends.
•Big Bang Theory reruns
•I'm still keeping all of my New Year's resolutions, so far.
•Knitting blankets
•I may not have mentioned before, but I'm a Ravenclaw.
•School starts in about a month and a half.
•I've had a lot more good days than bad at work.
•My sisters
•Netflix and Hulu
•I made chocolate chip muffins today and they're delicious.

When the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

It occurs to me that I don't use this blog hardly ever.  Then again, I kind of doubt that anyone actually reads this anyway.  Why do I still have a blog then?  I don't know.  I started my LJ when I was thirteen, and since then I've always had a blog in some form or another.  It's a ten year old habit.  Even though a lot has changed in the past ten years.

My last post was in October.  Since then, a lot has happened.  A lot of which I can't/won't get into here.
There have been a lot of ups and downs, especially in the last two months.  Some big stuff went down two months ago, and it kind of threw me, big time.  However, all of that showed me how many friends I have and how amazing they are.  I know that they will be there for me, always. It's really sad how often I take my friends for granted.  This is especially true with some friends I've had for a long time, who I don't get to see that often because of busy schedules.  What I love, though, is that when we do see each other we can pick right back up where we left off, almost like no time has passed.

I went to a PostSecret event at the University of Memphis last month.  It wasn't really what I expected.  I don't know what I thought it was going to be.  It's not that I didn't like it, it's just, well, I've always heard everyone talking about how touching and moving and emotional they are, and I didn't really think it was.  However, it make me realize something.  I have a lot of secrets.  Things I don't talk about for various reasons, things that I would prefer to pretend had never happened, things that I want to forget.  However, I don't think I have any secrets that I have never told anyone.  There are different things that I share with different friends, but at least one person knows each of my secrets.  That realization makes me feel kind of safe, like I don't have to carry things alone.



School is going pretty well.  I think I have As in all of my classes.  I just registered for the fall this week, and I'm planning on trying to go full time, for the first time since I dropped out in 2008.  I'm not really sure how the financial situation is going to play out though, so these plans are tentative.  However, I recently figured out that if I don't start taking more classes, I will be 30+ by the time I finish law school, and I would rather not be in school for the next 6-8 years.  Of course, my plans also hinge on me actually getting into law school, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  Besides, if Elle Woods can do it, I can.  Right?

Work is a day to day thing.  It's been more bad than good lately, but in five years I've learned that when I think it is never going to get better, it always does.  This, plus the fact that I really don't want to have to start over somewhere else, I hate looking for jobs, and I love most of the people with whom I work is enough to keep me here.  For now, anyway.



Overall, things have been less than wonderful lately.  But I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and I believe that everything will turn around and be okay.  My *issues* still exist, and are still things that I have to deal with, sometimes on a regular basis and sometimes not.  However, I've made it this far, and I know my friends are always here for me.

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

• New season of The League started last night.  Since it's on FX and I don't have cable (or internet), I just watched it this morning at school.  Awesome and hilarious, as usual.
• My two fantasy football teams are doing okay, considering I am just now getting the hang of it (I think).  I'm 2-2 and 4th place in one league and 3-1 and 3rd place in the other.  And I'm feeling pretty good about this coming week.
• I joined the Harry Potter Club at school, and it makes me feel much less obsessive.  I wish I had the money to buy the first five books, because I really want to finish the project I started months ago, but doing so requires me writing in the books, which I can't do with someone else's.
• I finally succumbed to the Angry Birds fad, and found it strangely addictive, for someone who usually gets bored with games like that in the first five or ten minutes.  But now I've finished all of the levels, and I don't know what to do.
• I started playing Sudoku again about a month or two ago, thinking it would make me feel smarter or something.  It doesn't really, but it is fun.

• I've had a lot of ups and downs over the past month or so, with regards to work especially, but also emotionally, financially, spiritually, and with school as well.
• I started this semester of school strong, determined to stay ahead of all of my assignments and stay motivated.  It worked up until this week, when due to other issues I just kind of fell back into apathy.  
• Fortunately, however, my Poli Sci class pulled me out of that.  I don't know how to express how much I absolutely LOVE that class.  
• I skipped my first class this week, Spanish.  In retrospect, I kind of regret it, but at the same time I really needed that time to myself.  I'm finding myself fighting for "me time" lately.
• For the past three weeks I have been completely broke.  Which sucks, a lot.  But at the same time, I am relying on God to provide for me, and He hasn't let me down.  
• Due largely to the fact that I am broke, I've been trying to quit smoking.  I'm scared to quit cold turkey, because I'm afraid of what the addition of nicotine withdrawal might do to my already unstable mood swings.  I'm only smoking two or three cigarettes a day (half of what I was smoking before).  
• I've been praying a lot lately.  I'm starting all over with regard to my relationship with God.  I want to discover this relationship for myself, without the input of anyone else, especially church.  I know from previous experience that I have a habit of letting church and religion get between God and me, so I want to figure this out, just between us.  If that makes sense.  I'm trying to let God get rid of all of the misconceptions I have about Him.
• I had my Speech midterm last night, and I think I did much better than I had expected to do.  The study guide for the test was very intimidating, and I didn't put nearly as much time into studying for it as I had intended, but the actual test wasn't so bad.  
• I'm giving my second speech this Thursday.  It's a 5-7 minute informative speech about the fallibility of the Greek gods, inspired by reading Socrates' arguments about training up the guardian class in Plato's Republic.  I'm looking forward to writing it, kind of, but at the same time I still haven't started on it.
• My Poli Sci midterm is supposed to be posted this afternoon.  It's essay, and I have a week to do it.  I love that my professor believes in take-home midterms.
• With regards to work, I don't even know what to say.  I've had SO many ups and downs just in the past month.  What I do know, however, is that when I prayed about what to do, God told me to stay here.  And that when I pray, work doesn't overwhelm me, but when I try to get through it on my own I end up freaking out. 
• Matthew 6:25-34 has been my inspiration for the past few weeks, and it's gotten me through quite a bit, most importantly, I have faith that the people who are supposed to stay in my life will stay, and I am trying not to worry about losing them.  Especially with the one person in my life I worry about the most.
• Speaking of that, I had a big fight with a friend Sunday night and was completely devastated.  We made up though, and since then not only does it feel that we're back to being close the way we used to be, but I realized that to me love is more about GIVING love than RECEIVING it.  I know that I will love this person no matter what, and that I will do anything for them.  This is more important than what they may do to or for me.

It's been a while since I've gotten around to posting on here.
I started school Monday.  I have a MFW class (Intro to Ancient Political Thought), a MW class (Spanish II), and a Thursday night class (Speech).  Thus far, I've been to two Poli Sci classes, and I am already in love with the class.  It is solidifying my intention to change my major to Poli Sci.  Also, my professor is awesome.  She teaches the next class (Intro to Modern Political Thought) and I intend to take it with her next semester, even though it will mean another semester when I can't work during the day every day.

Speaking of work...
I tend to go through phases with work.  I know I've been here too long and it's time for me to quit.  I don't have any goals to achieve anymore and, well, I'm just bored.  This, coupled with the issues I was having with someone at work a few weeks ago was finally pushing me to actually DO something about this.  I was going to apply at Barnes & Noble.  But...then I waited too long.  I procrastinated long enough that things turned around, like they always do.  It got better.  I missed my window of opportunity when things at work were bad enough to push me to make a change.
So for now I'm happy.  Being back in school is amazing.  It's like some switch has been flipped for me.  It is putting everything else in perspective for me.

As far as whether I will quit my job in the near future, I'm really not sure.  I have two opposite thoughts on that.  One is that it's as good a time as any to start over with a new job, since I'm kind of starting a new chapter in my life anyway by going back to school.  The other thought is that since I'm already making changes, I don't want to change too much at once and jeopardize my sometimes quite fragile emotional state.  That may sound silly, especially since I'm only taking three classes, but I feel my fears are somewhat justified, when I look back and see the things that prompted my dropping out three years ago.  Granted, I am in a MUCH better place now.  Still, it never hurts to be careful.
Besides, if I have learned anything about my job, it's that even though everything seems great now, that will change sooner or later.  I'll get frustrated, they'll start taking me for granted again, I'll feel underappreciated, or stop getting along with people.  I'll jump on the train the next time it comes around, because I know it will come around again.  I'll quit next time.  And next time I'll be ready.


In other news, I am officially old.  I turned 23, which feels very old to me.  I have realized that I cannot go back to my natural hair color because I have too many grey hairs.  And being back in school makes me feel even older.  Granted, right now I'm working on finishing what few Gen Ed requirements I have left so I'm taking lower level courses, but still.  There is a girl in my Spanish class who is 17.  All these freshmen straight out of high school make me miss UTC, when I was a freshman living on campus and I didn't have to spend thirty minutes driving around for a parking spot every morning.

“It is not, after all, so easy to die.” –J. K. Rowling

That quote, from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, really connected with me.  (And yet was left out of movie….) It’s true, after all.  We are biologically designed to live.  We have survival instincts.  We are born fighting to live.

Of course, there is another side to that.  A side with which I am far too familiar.  Because somewhere along the way, I think that little part of me became damaged, and stopped working the way it is supposed to.  I’m supposed to want to live, to fight to live.  So why have I spent nearly ten years trying to die?

At the same time, though, despite my suicidal thoughts, intentions, and attempts, the survival mechanism hasn’t completely broken.  I’m still here.  Arguments could be made that it isn’t necessarily because of me.  Other people have saved my life.  But I’ve let them into my life, haven’t I?  I mean, if I really wanted to die, wouldn’t I have cut myself off from people?  Especially people who care about my life enough to actively stop me from killing myself?

I think the bottom line is that there is a part of me that, even at the darkest moments, did not want to give up.  According to science, an object in motion remains in motion unless something stops it, and something at rest remains at rest unless something sets it in motion.  I think life is like that too.  I’m alive, and it takes a great act to end life.  Life is precious, and life can end far too easily.  However, I don’t think I have what it takes to end my own, ever.

It is not, after all, so easy to die.

With all of that being said, I am not letting my guard down.  I know that the second I do, a thousand old doubts and worries will sneak back in.  I may be strong, but I am weak too.  I know from experience that it doesn’t take much from depression to find an opening and turn my life upside down.

I’m okay though.  I am okay.

I’ve been on vacation from work this week.  I’m completely broke, so I haven’t gone anywhere, but it’s been really great to have a whole week to myself.  It’s exactly what I needed. 

I’ve cleaned my apartment.  Really cleaned.  I organized both of my closets, went through all of my “junk” drawers and boxes, and actually put things where they belong instead of just getting them out of sight.  It’s incredible how happy it makes me to walk into a room and see it clean.  It gives me a very peaceful feeling.

Actually, that is how I feel about everything.  At peace. 

I’m hopeful and optimistic about the future, even though it is somewhat unknown.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, but I know I’m finally on the right path.  School starts in a month, and I’m still going.  I haven’t talked myself out of it.  I haven’t freaked out yet.  I’m sure I will freak out.  I won’t be surprised if I have a panic attack before my first speech in Oral Communications (I have a HUGE fear of public speaking).  I’ll put things off too long and get overwhelmed.  But then I’ll pull an all-nighter and get everything done.  I could say that I’ll try to do better this time around, that I won’t wait until the last minute to write a paper or study for a test, but I’d be kidding myself.  That’s just how I work.  I do better under pressure.

Moreover, the bottom line is that I truly believe that I will be okay.

Last week, I decided that I was going to use this week to look for a new job.  I still can’t see myself actually quitting Jason’s deli (the reasons for that are complicated), but I figured I could get another job and just work one day a week until I felt more capable of taking such a big step. 

Now I’m not so sure. 

I’m bored at work.  I’ve been here over four years now.  Four years, two months, and eight days, to be exact.  At some point during that time, I realized I was fighting for something.  I wanted recognition.  And that recognition would come in two ways, both of which I needed.  I wanted a manager position, and I wanted the approval of one specific person.

I decided I didn’t need either of them anymore.  As it turns out, as soon as I stopped wanting them, I got them both.  In February, I was offered the manager position.  I turned it down, and I haven’t regretted that decision a single day since then.  Taking the job would have made me miserable, but having had it offered meant I could stop working towards it. 

As for the other thing, I thought I’d stopped wanting/needing it months ago.  I gave up on ever getting it, and decided it didn’t matter.  Then, it came.  It was half-assed and untrue, but despite myself, it still meant the world to me.

I don’t have anything to work towards at work anymore.  Maybe it’s because of that, but I finally stopped caring about work so much.  Everyone has told me for years that I need to care less, that it’s just a job.  Not caring does make it easier sometimes.  However, this week I realized that I can’t not care. 

I care.  It’s who I am.  I care about things and people too much.  I can’t help it.  I’m not sure I should help it.

So now, I’ve had a week off, and I think I can go back and maybe enjoy it again.  Because I didn’t realize until I had stopped, but I like liking my job.  I like caring.  I like giving too much.

I told this to a friend this week, and he pointed out something that had slipped my mind, a reason I’d had for needing to quit that surpasses everything else in importance.  I don’t know what to do about that yet, but I think I’m going to play things by ear and just see how it goes.  As with ALL of my old demons, I’m not letting my guard down. 

I’m being more careful than I’ve ever been.

I’m happy right now.  I’m doing better than I have in years.  Nevertheless, it isn’t lost on me that I’ve been happy before and that happiness can disappear abruptly and give way to the Dark and Twisty place in no time.  I know this.  I’m taking steps to avoid that from happening this time.

I have wonderful friends who are there for me whenever I need them.  I’m not alone, even when I feel like I am.  This may be my fight, but I don’t have to fight it alone.

And now, whatever happens, I will always be able to say that I was happy once.  Six months ago, I couldn’t say that.

I started taking 5-HTP last fall, after I had a panic attack at work one night and it started a downward spiral that scared me.  I don’t want to go to a psychiatrist or a therapist, and I don’t want to go back on any kind of psychotropic drugs for several different reasons, but this felt…safer.

I did well with taking it regularly for a couple of weeks, but then after a crazy weekend I kind of forgot all about it and never picked back up.  This week I started back.  Not because I need something to boost my mood right now, but because I figure it can’t hurt.  I’ve done research on it, and there don’t seem to be negative side effects.  Moreover, if it doesn’t work, I haven’t lost anything by trying it.  Plus, it’s supposed to help with appetite control and weight loss, as well as insomnia.  And insomnia is a real issue I have, especially since I’ve quit taking sleeping pills again.

I really want to get a tattoo.  I’ve been trying to decide what I want to get for years now.  I want it to be symbolic of my struggles, with a message of hope.  A reminder to myself not to give up.

I’ve spent years trying to figure out what just the right thing would be, and suddenly, a couple of nights ago, it hit me.  I know what I want.

I want the word “Live”.  Simple, yet so meaningful to me.  Because if there is anything I need a reminder of, it is to live. 

Now the only question is where to get it.  I want it somewhere I can see it (so not on my back), but I also want it somewhere easily concealed for the sake of future employment.

Also, I don’t have the money for a tattoo right now.

Still, just knowing what I’m going to get is nice.

Tl;dr version:

I’m alive and glad to be so. 

Vacation with nothing to do is nice.  Having a clean apartment is awesome. 

I’m giving work another chance. 

I’m trying 5-HTP again. 

I figured out what my tattoo will be when I get the money to get it.

I’m at peace with myself.

I get a little bit stronger.

I realized I haven't done a gtl in a long time, so here goes.

•Abbigail Marie Cooper was born June 17, and she is amazingly perfect and beautiful.

•I have friends who have always been there for me and always will. Kayla and Chad are amazing.
•Got to spend some time with Robin this past week, finally.
•Girls' day last Saturday was awesome. Pool, lunch, mani/pedi, dinner, Stomp, then to El Toro Loco.
•Oh. My. God. Stomp was incredible.
•Jason's deli Stomp.



•Slowly, thanks to spending a lot of time at the pool, I am looking a little less like Casper.
•School starts in a little over a month and I haven't talked myself out of it.
•Work is not hopeless, and in a month will not be my first priority anymore.
•Angie's graduation was great and she was beautiful and so happy.

•Sometimes it occurs to me how many friends I have and I feel very blessed.
•Cow Day is next Friday.
•I've been doing pretty well for the most part lately.
•And even when I'm not okay, I have friends who will save my life.
•Also, I know what happiness feels like, after years of wondering.
•I finished all of the Harry Potter books (one of my New Years resolutions) and am halfway through rewatching the movies in preparation for July 15 when the last movie comes out.
•I like being weird.
•Jason and I haven't been fighting so much, which makes work better.
•Actually, all of my friends at work have been getting along.
•I made a little mistake last Saturday, but it seems to not have complicated my life.
•I'm taking my vacation the week after next, and I have no plans. A whole week to relax.
•I've been writing in my journal again.
•Sometimes little things make me smile really big just because.

You came to me when I was at my lowest, you picked me up, breathing life in me. I owe my life to you.

For the most part, my life is defined by summers. The significant chapters of my life usually end up happening during the summer, and then as summer fades to fall, those chapters tend to fade as well. Not *every* summer. 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008.
This past fall was an exception, since the most recent chapter of my life started in September.

Anyway.

I find this somewhat ironic, since I don't really like summer. I like cold weather. And, I like being able to wear long pants and long sleeves.

Something is different now. In January, I decided that I was done with self-injury. And this time, I mean it. I think I'm going to make it this time. I'm not letting my guard down. It's just that, well, it feels different. Like I care more.
And since then, I have become much less self-concious about my scars. I think maybe now that I know it is a part of my past, not my present or future, I don't have to be so ashamed.

At the same time, I kind of wish some of them were less noticeable.
I thought getting a tan would help with that. Right now I'm burnt, but in a few days it will fade to tan. And right now, most of my scars stayed white, making then stand out far more than usual.
I'm torn between wanting to have that reminder of my past as a symbol of what I have overcome (and am still overcoming), and wanting to move past all of this and hide the scars.


I'm doing better than ever. I'm happy. I know what happiness feels like, and that gives me hope, even when I do get all dark and twisty. Another big thing is that when the dark and twisty times come, I actively fight not to fall into the trap I know so well.

I really believe I'm going to be okay.