Some thoughts on God and religion and stuff

I went to Winter Jam tonight. It's a big Christian music concert I've gone to every year since like 1998. It's funny that I wanted to go though, since I have been avoiding church for about a year (this time...before that I'd avoided church for the most part since I moved away to college in 2006.) It's mostly the nostalgia. The bands change every year. I'm not as into the Christian music scene as I used to be, but I still know who they are. This year I wanted to see Kutless. But also, Newsboys, even with Michael Tate as the lead singer (I don't think that will ever stop being weird to me. Newsboys is supposed to be Australian. I can't sing Shine without an Australian accent. And I grew up listening to Michael Tate in DC Talk. I mean, come on, this is weird.) has so many old memories.

I think I block out the memories of the preaching every year. Otherwise I wouldn't keep going back. Music I can do. Preaching makes me want to run away. I usually don't, but the thought is almost always there. So anyway, I was sitting there listening to Tony Nolan, and I kept thinking. A lot. Usually, when I'm at church, I write. Not notes on the sermon, just thoughts that are sparked by the sermon. Sometimes sarcastic and argumentative, sometimes deep. Just whatever is on my mind.
I wished I had my journal with me, but I didn't. So I started typing on the notepad on my phone. This is what I wrote:

I don't have a problem with God. I have a problem with organized religion. I have a problem with Christianity. I have a problem with Southern Baptists. But the only problem I have with God is that He is associated with all of this.
I don't know exactly what my problems are with religion. I think it's mostly the self righteousness and the hypocrisy. There's more though, I just can't put my finger on it exactly.
I've had all of the cliches of Christianity drilled into my head for so long that I can't ever seem to get them out. It drives me crazy. I hate feeling so brainwashed. And I hate that I tend to go so completely in the opposite direction just because I don't know how else to deal with feeling like I have little or no control over my own thoughts and feelings.

I don't want to admit that I was wrong and everyone else was right. That is a small part of what holds me back from returning to the faith of my childhood.
But I also don't want to go back just because everyone wants me to.
There is no point in going back. I cannot and will not go back. The problem I'm having now is in moving forward. How do I move forward when I can't get all of these teachings out of my head?

I don't know who I am or what I think or feel or believe because I don't know how to think about that apart from all of the beliefs I've have drilled into me since birth. I don't want to be running toward these belief systems or from them; I don't want to be running at all. I was to be still and at peace. Is that too much to ask?