All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.

Lately, I've been feeling very "at peace" with everything. It's very weird, actually. I mean, I guess it is true that things are going pretty well for me. Work is good. I'm finally happy with my job. And I'm happy now, I'm not looking for anything MORE from it.
I'm planning on going back to school in August. I don't really know what I'm going to decide on for my major. Psychology is definitely out. I'm thinking about law school still. Maybe a double major in PoliSci and English with a Spanish minor? Honestly, I think the important thing is that I'm going back. I'll figure the rest out eventually.

So yes, I'm doing well. But sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I want all of my old demons to be gone once and for all, and they aren't. Then I start wondering "when will I ever be okay?".
But maybe I AM okay.
Maybe the trick to living instead of existing, the key to surviving, is not that one day I wake up and everything is sunshine and roses, but that I learn, little by little, how not to let the bad moments define my life.

And the bottom line is that I am doing well. I am absolutely determined to keep my two most important New Year's resolutions. And I intend to do it without cheating. An entire year with no cutting IS possible. I'm at 160 days.
And the other resolution is going well too, so far. I just can't discuss it here.

I'm also working on not punching things. For the past few years I've learned to channel depression into anger because anger is a more "socially acceptable" emotion (even though for women it is still not "normal"). But I am aware of the fact that the main reason I punch things is because it hurts...not necessarily at the time, because if I'm mad or sad enough I don't really feel it, but later, when my hands are swollen and bruised for days, it hurts. Which makes this yet another form of self injury.
I was going to just focus on not cutting for now, but the past couple of weeks I've been resisting the urge to hit things as well.



A few big things have happened lately that have really impacted me. Some are work related, but a lot of that has been resolved. And although there are still some questions floating around out there, I'm trying not to worry about them. I'm fine for now, and I'm working on having a better future so that I don't have to worry about any of this anymore.

The biggest thing on my mind recently has been an old friend who is a marine. We were really close about six and a half years ago, when we were 15.
He had been in Afghanistan for four months when he stepped on an IED and lost his legs. He survived, and he is now in a hospital in Maryland.
This has been on my mind almost constantly from the time I first heard about it. I don't know exactly what to think. I don't have the words necessary to talk about it.
His testimony started floating around on Facebook a few weeks ago, and then a video of his testimony. I avoided watching it for a while. When I finally did, I couldn't hold back tears.
I don't understand. How can he be so okay with everything? How can he have such complete faith in God through all this?

A story like this would get my attention regardless, but the fact that it's Jake just blows my mind. When we were 15, we both claimed to be atheists. Now here he is, and he has changed so much. It's not a complete shock because we have mutual friends and Facebook makes it easy to keep up with the basics of what is going on with people I haven't talked to in years. But still. Just wow.

I mean, I've changed too. I'm not the same person I was. It's normal to change. I don't know exactly what it is about this that has hit me so hard. But after watching the video and listening to a podcast interview he did, I really don't know what to say.

This is his video. Also, his website is JacobRomo.com. Pass it along and share his amazing story with others.




This next thing may seem insignificant and irrelevant, but it's been something I've thought of A LOT over the past four years.
There is an episode of Roseanne, towards the end of the ninth season, where Darlene and David's baby is born premature. She came two months early, and the doctors told them that there wasn't much chance of her surviving.
The first time I saw this episode was my freshman year of college. It was shortly after the Virginia Tech shooting, and I remember thinking "how could God do this?". I could almost accept things like Virginia Tech and Hurricane Katrina because people aren't perfect and the Bible is full of stories of punishment and destruction. It still doesn't seem right or fair, but it seems more fair than an innocent baby girl being born only to die.
Darlene and David's baby didn't die. But what hit me was that in real life, babies do die. It happens all the time. How can that be justified? How is there and rhyme or reason is that?
I've struggled with this for years. This is the first thing on my list of issues I have with God.

I've been watching Roseanne on Netflix, and last night I finally got to this particular episode. I didn't watch it until this morning. It still makes me cry. But today I realized something else.
No, it doesn't seem fair at all. But through the baby's miraculous survival, the entire family began thanking God for their blessings.
I guess my point is that although it might not make any sense to me, God has a plan and He knows what He is doing.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


I don't have a lot of answers. I'm not really trying to find them either. But I do think I'm finding myself. I feel like I'm learning to accept myself and my flaws and my issues. It's all a part of who I am, so I might as well learn to deal with all of this I stead of waiting for it to get easier or just go away.

Some thoughts on God and religion and stuff

I went to Winter Jam tonight. It's a big Christian music concert I've gone to every year since like 1998. It's funny that I wanted to go though, since I have been avoiding church for about a year (this time...before that I'd avoided church for the most part since I moved away to college in 2006.) It's mostly the nostalgia. The bands change every year. I'm not as into the Christian music scene as I used to be, but I still know who they are. This year I wanted to see Kutless. But also, Newsboys, even with Michael Tate as the lead singer (I don't think that will ever stop being weird to me. Newsboys is supposed to be Australian. I can't sing Shine without an Australian accent. And I grew up listening to Michael Tate in DC Talk. I mean, come on, this is weird.) has so many old memories.

I think I block out the memories of the preaching every year. Otherwise I wouldn't keep going back. Music I can do. Preaching makes me want to run away. I usually don't, but the thought is almost always there. So anyway, I was sitting there listening to Tony Nolan, and I kept thinking. A lot. Usually, when I'm at church, I write. Not notes on the sermon, just thoughts that are sparked by the sermon. Sometimes sarcastic and argumentative, sometimes deep. Just whatever is on my mind.
I wished I had my journal with me, but I didn't. So I started typing on the notepad on my phone. This is what I wrote:

I don't have a problem with God. I have a problem with organized religion. I have a problem with Christianity. I have a problem with Southern Baptists. But the only problem I have with God is that He is associated with all of this.
I don't know exactly what my problems are with religion. I think it's mostly the self righteousness and the hypocrisy. There's more though, I just can't put my finger on it exactly.
I've had all of the cliches of Christianity drilled into my head for so long that I can't ever seem to get them out. It drives me crazy. I hate feeling so brainwashed. And I hate that I tend to go so completely in the opposite direction just because I don't know how else to deal with feeling like I have little or no control over my own thoughts and feelings.

I don't want to admit that I was wrong and everyone else was right. That is a small part of what holds me back from returning to the faith of my childhood.
But I also don't want to go back just because everyone wants me to.
There is no point in going back. I cannot and will not go back. The problem I'm having now is in moving forward. How do I move forward when I can't get all of these teachings out of my head?

I don't know who I am or what I think or feel or believe because I don't know how to think about that apart from all of the beliefs I've have drilled into me since birth. I don't want to be running toward these belief systems or from them; I don't want to be running at all. I was to be still and at peace. Is that too much to ask?

And how you held me in your arms that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry.

I don't remember ever having felt so ridiculously exhausted for such a long period of time.  I don't know if the problem is that I really am not sleeping enough, or if there is something else going on.  I've been working a ton lately, and even when I get a chance to finally sleep, insomnia rears its ugly head.  And since I can't use sleeping pills anymore, all I take is melatonin, which does pretty much nothing at all.

So, every day I am exhausted.  And I'm really tired of being so freaking tired.

 In other news...Memphis got snow AGAIN.  This winter is crazy.  Usually we get MAYBE one snow a winter, and that is usually just a light dusting on the grass that still causes the city to shut down.  But this year?  I think this is the fourth snow.  And the best so far.  It started snowing a little after noon yesterday and snowed for a solid five or six hours.  All while the temperature was actually below freezing.  So it accumulated pretty quickly, making the roads a mess, especially since people in Memphis are horrible drivers anyway, plus they aren't used to winter.

And then today it thawed.  It's still below freezing, but with the stupid sun the majority of the snow is gone.  The roads, which were horrible this morning are now clear.  I am very disappointed.  I wanted to go sledding, but I took a nap instead yesterday, assuming that the snow would still be there today.  By the time I got off work today about two, there wasn't enough snow left to sled on.

And to anyone reading this who lives some place that has an actual winter, I know that 9.4 inches of snow over the course of the entire season is something to laugh at, but this is Memphis.  This just doesn't happen here.

Me?  I'm doing okay.  Grey's Anatomy is once again offering me all kinds of insight into my life.  Depression is pretty much in check.  Work is going okay.  Not great or anything, but everything is okay.  I'm taking everything one day at a time.  It's all I can do.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice, dug my way out, blood and fire. Bad decisions, that's alright, welcome to my silly life.

It was two weeks ago today that I first started feeling sick.  For a while I figured it was just a cold or flu type virus, and if I just took lots of Dayquil/ Nyquil, got lots of rest, and drank plenty of water, that I would be fine in a few days.  However, when I was still running a fever on Saturday, Mom convinced me that I needed to go to the doctor.
I had been planning on skipping Angie's graduation party Saturday night, but in the end I changed my mind and decided to go even though I had a fever of 101.7.  It ended up being a lot of fun, and the advice of several people was proven right: Liquor cures everything.  More specifically, tequila cures everything.  I had a total of five shots and two tequila sunrises, and felt pretty good.  I also sang karaoke with Angie and Melanie.  Which is something I don't do.
I was really glad I went.  I would have regretted not going, and I had a blast hanging out.
Even if the next morning I woke up, still sick, with a wicked hangover.  Even though I did remember to take Advil and drink water before going to bed.  I had been halfway planning on calling out of work sick, but after going to the party I knew I wouldn't be able to go get away with that, so I drug my sick ass to work.  I actually didn't feel that bad - just hungover.  But as the hangover started to fade, I felt sicker again.  I made it through my shift, but barely.  I was working on the line, and every time I read a ticket, I felt like I had to read it once just to read the words, and then again to make any sense of it, and then it took me a second to translate that into actions.  It was bad.  Not to mention we were really busy.

When my shift was finally over, I decided enough was enough and I went to the doctor.  After waiting for what felt like forever, and having a strep test (even though I already knew I didn't have strep, because I've had strep way too many times for me not to know what it feels like), blood drawn, and a chest x-ray, they finally sent me home with a diagnosis of infection in my lung and prescriptions for antibiotics, steroids, and an inhaler.
This past week has been very long and stressful.  On top of being sick (although finally beginning to recover), we had a very busy week at work and I had to go in early and stay late every day on top of being stressed the whole time I was there.  Plus, I've been closing at Ridgeway two nights a week, and that is very stressful and difficult for me.  Tuesday was the first really busy day at work, and then I closed Ridgeway that night and did a really bad job.  I was already feeling bad about that when I went to work Wednesday morning, before Aaron told me that Chris had called and wanted me to call him when I got a chance so he could tell me what I'd done wrong the night before.  We had another busy day that day, and by that night I was emotionally completely overwhelmed.
I ended up being awake until about one in the morning having an emotional breakdown, writing in my journal, and posting on Twitter.

Thursday was equally busy, but we were more prepared for it so it went more smoothly.  I still wasn't feeling well though, was still coughing and wheezing, and still felt weak.  I think my close Thursday night was a little better, but I still don't feel like I did a good job, and I hate that I feel like I'm not doing a good job.

Friday I finally had a good day at work, and after work I went home and did nothing for the rest of the day but rest and watch Grey's Anatomy (which is on Netflix instant view, so I started over at season one, and once again I find myself immersed in the world of the surgical wing of Seattle Grace Hospital and the personal lives of Meredith, Izzie, Christina, George, Alex, Derek, Addison, Preston, Callie, and everyone else).  Saturday was my day off, and although I had every intention of getting some things accomplished, I actually did pretty much nothing except get all of my laundry done.  However, Saturday marked the first day that I could breathe without wheezing, and I finally don't feel bad, so I'm glad I've taken it easy the past few days.
Especially since I noticed that the wheezing and coughing got worse when I was stressed and/or tired.


In other news, my lease is up on my apartment in April, and if I sign a new lease by the 5th of February it will only go up $5/month (as opposed to $10/month if I wait).  I would like to move to a bigger apartment (mine is so small that I can't really rearrange my furniture because there aren't many ways it will fit - and I don't have that much furniture), but after doing a little bit of research, I remember why I moved into this complex in the first place: it's the only place in a decent area that I can afford.  Or at least almost afford, most months.
So I'm pretty sure I'm going to resign my lease and stay here for another year.  After which, I really hope to be in a better place financially.


I have a lot of things to worry about lately.  I would rather not list them all here, but suffice it to say that my mind has been sufficiently overwhelmed.  The past few days of relaxing have given me a bit of perspective, however, and I realize that when I try to think about too many things at once I end up freaking out and shutting down and actually accomplishing nothing at all.  My new philosophy is Baby Steps (like in What About Bob).  Instead of worrying about everything at once, I'm going to (try to) focus on one or two small things at a time, and fix those first.
Today, I filed my taxes.
Tomorrow, I need to clean my apartment.  I also need to make a maintenance request for my bathroom sink and my bathtub.

Long term, I need to go back to school, which will fix my problems at work by making work less important.  However, I know myself enough to know that right now I'm in a fairly fragile emotional state and instead of trying to fix it all, or do something big, I think first I need to do a few smaller things to build my confidence.


I've had three good days.  Friday, Saturday, and today.  Tomorrow is starting a new week, and to be honest, I don't know what to expect.  I have three doubles, and I'm scheduled 41 hours this week.  Hopefully, I will get through it.

I would catch a grenade for you.

I woke up this morning with a horrible sore throat and what I assumed was a fever (I lost my thermometer a couple of years ago, so I couldn't be sure), and discovered that I had depleted my medicinal supply the last time I was sick so I had to go to work feeling like crap.
After work I bought the essentials (Dayquil and Nyquil of course, plus a new thermometer and chloraseptic spray), and used two of my free Redbox codes to rent Easy A and Social Network. Since then, I've been perched on my couch with my snuggie.
Easy A was good, and now it's time for a TV break before Social Network.

I really hope I feel much better tomorrow, because it's my first day closing at Ridgeway. I'm really nervous about it, but I've already had my freak out about on Saturday night, so I think I'll be fine. I hope so anyway. (Plus, as long as I'm keeping this public, there is only so much I can say.)

I'm doing okay for the most part. I'm making a point to make better choices from here on out. So far I haven't done anything stupid in 2011 (and yes, I know it's only been 17 days).

I'm trying to be optimistic in general.


Also, IRC is back! Server: EsperNet Channel: #youthoftomorrow. It's been way to long since the days of YoT.

Post Created Jan 1, 2011 5:25:16 PM

Life is good right now, I think. I'm not really sure from week to week. I'm just taking everything one day at a time.
I'm trying to have enough money to pay my bills without needing help from Mom and Dad. I'm not really doing so well with that.

Work is...okay at the moment. Really, everything in my life seems kind of calm right now. Drama with friends is minimal. The people who are most important to me are happy right now. This makes me happy.

I finally watched Ramona and Beezus last night (thank you Redbox free movie codes) and thought it was awesome. So cute, so many people in it that I like, and it totally took me back to when I was little and rather obsessed with the books.

I'm still working on getting ringtones on my new phone. It's kind of a pain to have to download them to my computer in order to put them on my phone, but it is totally with it, because the iPhone makes it so much easier not to have Internet at home. I can even watch Netflix instant view.

I haven't been writing much lately. I think it's because for the most part things are going well and I don't feel the need to write. But also, I'm trying to stop overanalyzing everything so much. There was an "incident" about two months ago that scared me, and I decided that to try and figure out exactly why it happened would be more likely to send me into a tailspin than to actually solve anything, so I've just been working on living.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

There have been a lot of big changes lately.  Work has gone from bad to worse, to unbearable, and then to pretty much awesome (although many things are somewhat up in the air as to how wonderful it will actually end up being).
I've had some issues lately, but overall, I'm doing exponentially better than I've done in a very, very long time.  It occurred to me the other day that I was really, truly happy.  Not a fleeting kind of happy, as in "I had a really great day, so I'm happy right now" kind of thing.  I am actually happy.
My life actually seems to be working out for me.  I have really awesome friends.  And I have more friends than I knew I did.  Maybe the years I spent feeling so lonely were unnecessary.  Anyway, I'm happy now.
I'm planning on going back to school because I actually miss it.  I really feel like I'm ready to go back now.
Work looks like it might be working out for me, finally.

I just feel like finally, everything might really be working out for me.