I have spent so many years wondering "what is wrong with me?" and "why am I so broken?". Depression hit when I was thirteen - nearly ten years ago - and ever since then I have been trying to figure out WHY so I could maybe figure out how to make it stop. Even all of the psychiatrists and therapists at Lakeside couldn't seem to figure out why I was so screwed up in the head. Dr. Tullos diagnosed me with Spiritual Trauma, which even at the time seemed to me like an easy out for him. What does that mean?
I don't want to jinx anything, but I honestly feel like things might be changing, for real this time. I'm going on three solid weeks of being happy. I don't know why. True, everything in my life does seem to be looking up; I'm going back to school in August, work is going really well for me, I have truly amazing friends, etc. Still, I can remember times where things were even more perfect, and I was still unable to see how good I had it.
I caught myself thinking the other day that maybe this is what it feels to be normal. Maybe most people feel like this all the time. And then - maybe I can finally be one of those people.
I'm not letting my guard down completely. Experience has told me that as soon as I start to think that the dark times are over, they will come back and I will be unprepared to handle them. Also, I remain emphatic that I Will Not Break. No matter what happens, I will not resort to suicidal thoughts or actions, I will not cut, I will not burn, and I will try not to punch anything. This is the first time I have ever been this determined. Instead of *trying* not to break, I tell myself constantly that these things are not even options for me anymore.
I went to church with my family tonight, for Easter. I was trying to remember when the last time I'd gone to church was, and I think it might have been last Easter.
I don't have anything against church. I have nothing again God. However, I feel that in order for me to figure out what I believe, I need to avoid church. I have a habit of getting caught up in the religion, and using that to avoid God. I don't want to do that again. Also, being that I want to please everyone, it is very hard for me to let everyone down by NOT being the Christian that they want me to be. However, since I've already DONE this and let them all down, I don't really have anything to lose. But I really can't go back again unless I know FOR SURE that it's real. I've lost count of how many times I've "become a Christian" or "rededicated my life", only to realize that I didn't really mean it, or whatever.
I don't think I can handle doing that again, and I don't want to do that to the people around me either.
But, like I said, life is good. I've been throughly enjoying work. I feel very confident and capable, and somehow or other everything always works out just right. I enjoy doing what I do, and I love working with friends.
I am going to school in August. I think I'm going to have to go up there to take care of some registration issues, and I'm pretty sure it won't happen this week because of my work schedule, but I will get down there soon, and I will make this happen. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not be content with my life unless I do more with it than running catering at a deli - even if I enjoy doing that.
Time will tell if this is real happiness or a hypo-manic episode. Time will tell if school is really the right thing for me to do. Time will tell everything.
