For the most part, my life is defined by summers. The significant chapters of my life usually end up happening during the summer, and then as summer fades to fall, those chapters tend to fade as well. Not *every* summer. 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008.
This past fall was an exception, since the most recent chapter of my life started in September.
Anyway.
I find this somewhat ironic, since I don't really like summer. I like cold weather. And, I like being able to wear long pants and long sleeves.
Something is different now. In January, I decided that I was done with self-injury. And this time, I mean it. I think I'm going to make it this time. I'm not letting my guard down. It's just that, well, it feels different. Like I care more.
And since then, I have become much less self-concious about my scars. I think maybe now that I know it is a part of my past, not my present or future, I don't have to be so ashamed.
At the same time, I kind of wish some of them were less noticeable.
I thought getting a tan would help with that. Right now I'm burnt, but in a few days it will fade to tan. And right now, most of my scars stayed white, making then stand out far more than usual.
I'm torn between wanting to have that reminder of my past as a symbol of what I have overcome (and am still overcoming), and wanting to move past all of this and hide the scars.
I'm doing better than ever. I'm happy. I know what happiness feels like, and that gives me hope, even when I do get all dark and twisty. Another big thing is that when the dark and twisty times come, I actively fight not to fall into the trap I know so well.
I really believe I'm going to be okay.
