God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

• New season of The League started last night.  Since it's on FX and I don't have cable (or internet), I just watched it this morning at school.  Awesome and hilarious, as usual.
• My two fantasy football teams are doing okay, considering I am just now getting the hang of it (I think).  I'm 2-2 and 4th place in one league and 3-1 and 3rd place in the other.  And I'm feeling pretty good about this coming week.
• I joined the Harry Potter Club at school, and it makes me feel much less obsessive.  I wish I had the money to buy the first five books, because I really want to finish the project I started months ago, but doing so requires me writing in the books, which I can't do with someone else's.
• I finally succumbed to the Angry Birds fad, and found it strangely addictive, for someone who usually gets bored with games like that in the first five or ten minutes.  But now I've finished all of the levels, and I don't know what to do.
• I started playing Sudoku again about a month or two ago, thinking it would make me feel smarter or something.  It doesn't really, but it is fun.

• I've had a lot of ups and downs over the past month or so, with regards to work especially, but also emotionally, financially, spiritually, and with school as well.
• I started this semester of school strong, determined to stay ahead of all of my assignments and stay motivated.  It worked up until this week, when due to other issues I just kind of fell back into apathy.  
• Fortunately, however, my Poli Sci class pulled me out of that.  I don't know how to express how much I absolutely LOVE that class.  
• I skipped my first class this week, Spanish.  In retrospect, I kind of regret it, but at the same time I really needed that time to myself.  I'm finding myself fighting for "me time" lately.
• For the past three weeks I have been completely broke.  Which sucks, a lot.  But at the same time, I am relying on God to provide for me, and He hasn't let me down.  
• Due largely to the fact that I am broke, I've been trying to quit smoking.  I'm scared to quit cold turkey, because I'm afraid of what the addition of nicotine withdrawal might do to my already unstable mood swings.  I'm only smoking two or three cigarettes a day (half of what I was smoking before).  
• I've been praying a lot lately.  I'm starting all over with regard to my relationship with God.  I want to discover this relationship for myself, without the input of anyone else, especially church.  I know from previous experience that I have a habit of letting church and religion get between God and me, so I want to figure this out, just between us.  If that makes sense.  I'm trying to let God get rid of all of the misconceptions I have about Him.
• I had my Speech midterm last night, and I think I did much better than I had expected to do.  The study guide for the test was very intimidating, and I didn't put nearly as much time into studying for it as I had intended, but the actual test wasn't so bad.  
• I'm giving my second speech this Thursday.  It's a 5-7 minute informative speech about the fallibility of the Greek gods, inspired by reading Socrates' arguments about training up the guardian class in Plato's Republic.  I'm looking forward to writing it, kind of, but at the same time I still haven't started on it.
• My Poli Sci midterm is supposed to be posted this afternoon.  It's essay, and I have a week to do it.  I love that my professor believes in take-home midterms.
• With regards to work, I don't even know what to say.  I've had SO many ups and downs just in the past month.  What I do know, however, is that when I prayed about what to do, God told me to stay here.  And that when I pray, work doesn't overwhelm me, but when I try to get through it on my own I end up freaking out. 
• Matthew 6:25-34 has been my inspiration for the past few weeks, and it's gotten me through quite a bit, most importantly, I have faith that the people who are supposed to stay in my life will stay, and I am trying not to worry about losing them.  Especially with the one person in my life I worry about the most.
• Speaking of that, I had a big fight with a friend Sunday night and was completely devastated.  We made up though, and since then not only does it feel that we're back to being close the way we used to be, but I realized that to me love is more about GIVING love than RECEIVING it.  I know that I will love this person no matter what, and that I will do anything for them.  This is more important than what they may do to or for me.

It's been a while since I've gotten around to posting on here.
I started school Monday.  I have a MFW class (Intro to Ancient Political Thought), a MW class (Spanish II), and a Thursday night class (Speech).  Thus far, I've been to two Poli Sci classes, and I am already in love with the class.  It is solidifying my intention to change my major to Poli Sci.  Also, my professor is awesome.  She teaches the next class (Intro to Modern Political Thought) and I intend to take it with her next semester, even though it will mean another semester when I can't work during the day every day.

Speaking of work...
I tend to go through phases with work.  I know I've been here too long and it's time for me to quit.  I don't have any goals to achieve anymore and, well, I'm just bored.  This, coupled with the issues I was having with someone at work a few weeks ago was finally pushing me to actually DO something about this.  I was going to apply at Barnes & Noble.  But...then I waited too long.  I procrastinated long enough that things turned around, like they always do.  It got better.  I missed my window of opportunity when things at work were bad enough to push me to make a change.
So for now I'm happy.  Being back in school is amazing.  It's like some switch has been flipped for me.  It is putting everything else in perspective for me.

As far as whether I will quit my job in the near future, I'm really not sure.  I have two opposite thoughts on that.  One is that it's as good a time as any to start over with a new job, since I'm kind of starting a new chapter in my life anyway by going back to school.  The other thought is that since I'm already making changes, I don't want to change too much at once and jeopardize my sometimes quite fragile emotional state.  That may sound silly, especially since I'm only taking three classes, but I feel my fears are somewhat justified, when I look back and see the things that prompted my dropping out three years ago.  Granted, I am in a MUCH better place now.  Still, it never hurts to be careful.
Besides, if I have learned anything about my job, it's that even though everything seems great now, that will change sooner or later.  I'll get frustrated, they'll start taking me for granted again, I'll feel underappreciated, or stop getting along with people.  I'll jump on the train the next time it comes around, because I know it will come around again.  I'll quit next time.  And next time I'll be ready.


In other news, I am officially old.  I turned 23, which feels very old to me.  I have realized that I cannot go back to my natural hair color because I have too many grey hairs.  And being back in school makes me feel even older.  Granted, right now I'm working on finishing what few Gen Ed requirements I have left so I'm taking lower level courses, but still.  There is a girl in my Spanish class who is 17.  All these freshmen straight out of high school make me miss UTC, when I was a freshman living on campus and I didn't have to spend thirty minutes driving around for a parking spot every morning.

“It is not, after all, so easy to die.” –J. K. Rowling

That quote, from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, really connected with me.  (And yet was left out of movie….) It’s true, after all.  We are biologically designed to live.  We have survival instincts.  We are born fighting to live.

Of course, there is another side to that.  A side with which I am far too familiar.  Because somewhere along the way, I think that little part of me became damaged, and stopped working the way it is supposed to.  I’m supposed to want to live, to fight to live.  So why have I spent nearly ten years trying to die?

At the same time, though, despite my suicidal thoughts, intentions, and attempts, the survival mechanism hasn’t completely broken.  I’m still here.  Arguments could be made that it isn’t necessarily because of me.  Other people have saved my life.  But I’ve let them into my life, haven’t I?  I mean, if I really wanted to die, wouldn’t I have cut myself off from people?  Especially people who care about my life enough to actively stop me from killing myself?

I think the bottom line is that there is a part of me that, even at the darkest moments, did not want to give up.  According to science, an object in motion remains in motion unless something stops it, and something at rest remains at rest unless something sets it in motion.  I think life is like that too.  I’m alive, and it takes a great act to end life.  Life is precious, and life can end far too easily.  However, I don’t think I have what it takes to end my own, ever.

It is not, after all, so easy to die.

With all of that being said, I am not letting my guard down.  I know that the second I do, a thousand old doubts and worries will sneak back in.  I may be strong, but I am weak too.  I know from experience that it doesn’t take much from depression to find an opening and turn my life upside down.

I’m okay though.  I am okay.

I’ve been on vacation from work this week.  I’m completely broke, so I haven’t gone anywhere, but it’s been really great to have a whole week to myself.  It’s exactly what I needed. 

I’ve cleaned my apartment.  Really cleaned.  I organized both of my closets, went through all of my “junk” drawers and boxes, and actually put things where they belong instead of just getting them out of sight.  It’s incredible how happy it makes me to walk into a room and see it clean.  It gives me a very peaceful feeling.

Actually, that is how I feel about everything.  At peace. 

I’m hopeful and optimistic about the future, even though it is somewhat unknown.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, but I know I’m finally on the right path.  School starts in a month, and I’m still going.  I haven’t talked myself out of it.  I haven’t freaked out yet.  I’m sure I will freak out.  I won’t be surprised if I have a panic attack before my first speech in Oral Communications (I have a HUGE fear of public speaking).  I’ll put things off too long and get overwhelmed.  But then I’ll pull an all-nighter and get everything done.  I could say that I’ll try to do better this time around, that I won’t wait until the last minute to write a paper or study for a test, but I’d be kidding myself.  That’s just how I work.  I do better under pressure.

Moreover, the bottom line is that I truly believe that I will be okay.

Last week, I decided that I was going to use this week to look for a new job.  I still can’t see myself actually quitting Jason’s deli (the reasons for that are complicated), but I figured I could get another job and just work one day a week until I felt more capable of taking such a big step. 

Now I’m not so sure. 

I’m bored at work.  I’ve been here over four years now.  Four years, two months, and eight days, to be exact.  At some point during that time, I realized I was fighting for something.  I wanted recognition.  And that recognition would come in two ways, both of which I needed.  I wanted a manager position, and I wanted the approval of one specific person.

I decided I didn’t need either of them anymore.  As it turns out, as soon as I stopped wanting them, I got them both.  In February, I was offered the manager position.  I turned it down, and I haven’t regretted that decision a single day since then.  Taking the job would have made me miserable, but having had it offered meant I could stop working towards it. 

As for the other thing, I thought I’d stopped wanting/needing it months ago.  I gave up on ever getting it, and decided it didn’t matter.  Then, it came.  It was half-assed and untrue, but despite myself, it still meant the world to me.

I don’t have anything to work towards at work anymore.  Maybe it’s because of that, but I finally stopped caring about work so much.  Everyone has told me for years that I need to care less, that it’s just a job.  Not caring does make it easier sometimes.  However, this week I realized that I can’t not care. 

I care.  It’s who I am.  I care about things and people too much.  I can’t help it.  I’m not sure I should help it.

So now, I’ve had a week off, and I think I can go back and maybe enjoy it again.  Because I didn’t realize until I had stopped, but I like liking my job.  I like caring.  I like giving too much.

I told this to a friend this week, and he pointed out something that had slipped my mind, a reason I’d had for needing to quit that surpasses everything else in importance.  I don’t know what to do about that yet, but I think I’m going to play things by ear and just see how it goes.  As with ALL of my old demons, I’m not letting my guard down. 

I’m being more careful than I’ve ever been.

I’m happy right now.  I’m doing better than I have in years.  Nevertheless, it isn’t lost on me that I’ve been happy before and that happiness can disappear abruptly and give way to the Dark and Twisty place in no time.  I know this.  I’m taking steps to avoid that from happening this time.

I have wonderful friends who are there for me whenever I need them.  I’m not alone, even when I feel like I am.  This may be my fight, but I don’t have to fight it alone.

And now, whatever happens, I will always be able to say that I was happy once.  Six months ago, I couldn’t say that.

I started taking 5-HTP last fall, after I had a panic attack at work one night and it started a downward spiral that scared me.  I don’t want to go to a psychiatrist or a therapist, and I don’t want to go back on any kind of psychotropic drugs for several different reasons, but this felt…safer.

I did well with taking it regularly for a couple of weeks, but then after a crazy weekend I kind of forgot all about it and never picked back up.  This week I started back.  Not because I need something to boost my mood right now, but because I figure it can’t hurt.  I’ve done research on it, and there don’t seem to be negative side effects.  Moreover, if it doesn’t work, I haven’t lost anything by trying it.  Plus, it’s supposed to help with appetite control and weight loss, as well as insomnia.  And insomnia is a real issue I have, especially since I’ve quit taking sleeping pills again.

I really want to get a tattoo.  I’ve been trying to decide what I want to get for years now.  I want it to be symbolic of my struggles, with a message of hope.  A reminder to myself not to give up.

I’ve spent years trying to figure out what just the right thing would be, and suddenly, a couple of nights ago, it hit me.  I know what I want.

I want the word “Live”.  Simple, yet so meaningful to me.  Because if there is anything I need a reminder of, it is to live. 

Now the only question is where to get it.  I want it somewhere I can see it (so not on my back), but I also want it somewhere easily concealed for the sake of future employment.

Also, I don’t have the money for a tattoo right now.

Still, just knowing what I’m going to get is nice.

Tl;dr version:

I’m alive and glad to be so. 

Vacation with nothing to do is nice.  Having a clean apartment is awesome. 

I’m giving work another chance. 

I’m trying 5-HTP again. 

I figured out what my tattoo will be when I get the money to get it.

I’m at peace with myself.

I get a little bit stronger.

I realized I haven't done a gtl in a long time, so here goes.

•Abbigail Marie Cooper was born June 17, and she is amazingly perfect and beautiful.

•I have friends who have always been there for me and always will. Kayla and Chad are amazing.
•Got to spend some time with Robin this past week, finally.
•Girls' day last Saturday was awesome. Pool, lunch, mani/pedi, dinner, Stomp, then to El Toro Loco.
•Oh. My. God. Stomp was incredible.
•Jason's deli Stomp.



•Slowly, thanks to spending a lot of time at the pool, I am looking a little less like Casper.
•School starts in a little over a month and I haven't talked myself out of it.
•Work is not hopeless, and in a month will not be my first priority anymore.
•Angie's graduation was great and she was beautiful and so happy.

•Sometimes it occurs to me how many friends I have and I feel very blessed.
•Cow Day is next Friday.
•I've been doing pretty well for the most part lately.
•And even when I'm not okay, I have friends who will save my life.
•Also, I know what happiness feels like, after years of wondering.
•I finished all of the Harry Potter books (one of my New Years resolutions) and am halfway through rewatching the movies in preparation for July 15 when the last movie comes out.
•I like being weird.
•Jason and I haven't been fighting so much, which makes work better.
•Actually, all of my friends at work have been getting along.
•I made a little mistake last Saturday, but it seems to not have complicated my life.
•I'm taking my vacation the week after next, and I have no plans. A whole week to relax.
•I've been writing in my journal again.
•Sometimes little things make me smile really big just because.

You came to me when I was at my lowest, you picked me up, breathing life in me. I owe my life to you.

For the most part, my life is defined by summers. The significant chapters of my life usually end up happening during the summer, and then as summer fades to fall, those chapters tend to fade as well. Not *every* summer. 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008.
This past fall was an exception, since the most recent chapter of my life started in September.

Anyway.

I find this somewhat ironic, since I don't really like summer. I like cold weather. And, I like being able to wear long pants and long sleeves.

Something is different now. In January, I decided that I was done with self-injury. And this time, I mean it. I think I'm going to make it this time. I'm not letting my guard down. It's just that, well, it feels different. Like I care more.
And since then, I have become much less self-concious about my scars. I think maybe now that I know it is a part of my past, not my present or future, I don't have to be so ashamed.

At the same time, I kind of wish some of them were less noticeable.
I thought getting a tan would help with that. Right now I'm burnt, but in a few days it will fade to tan. And right now, most of my scars stayed white, making then stand out far more than usual.
I'm torn between wanting to have that reminder of my past as a symbol of what I have overcome (and am still overcoming), and wanting to move past all of this and hide the scars.


I'm doing better than ever. I'm happy. I know what happiness feels like, and that gives me hope, even when I do get all dark and twisty. Another big thing is that when the dark and twisty times come, I actively fight not to fall into the trap I know so well.

I really believe I'm going to be okay.

I thank God for all I've missed, because it led me here to this.

I went to bed shortly after 9 last night, and set my alarm for 5:30 this morning. I woke up at 3:30, and haven't been able to go back to sleep since. I'm going in at 7:30 to take a breakfast delivery, then I work 9-4. It's going to be a long day. The good news is that today will be better than yesterday because I will be working with people I enjoy working with and probably won't be nearly as frustrated as I was all day yesterday.

In other news, after weeks of trying to get in touch with my advisor, I was finally cleared to register for classes yesterday. I'm taking four classes this fall.

MWF mornings
Spanish II- I have to have four semesters of Spanish, pretty much regardless of what my major is, plus I think I'm going to minor in Spanish. I really want to be fluent. And I have a lot of hispanic friends who can help me with it.
Introduction to Ancient Political Thought- I am almost certain that I'm going to change my major to PoliSci, and this class sounds interesting. Plus, it will complete my humanities requirement that I have to have anyway.

Monday night
Literary Heritage- I enjoy lit classes, and since my major is currently English, this class is required before I can take a lot of other classes I need.

Thursday night
Oral Communications- I've been avoiding speech class because of my great fear of public speaking, but I decided to go ahead and bite the bullet and get it over with. Plus, I don't want to take Speech at the same time as math or science.

Both night classes are at a middle school that is only about ten minutes from my apartment, as opposed to the main campus that is close to thirty minutes away.

I intended to take all night or afternoon classes so I could work in the mornings, but since I registered so late it didn't really work out that way. It might be for the best though, because I need to prioritize school over work this time.
And as much as I enjoy running catering, it will be nice to not be so...needed in the mornings. We're losing our best people this fall, and I would rather be part of that problem than be the only one left to pick up the slack.

I'm getting more and more excited about school. I still have a lot of things to take care of, like finishing the FAFSA, reapplying for the Hope scholarship, and then assorted little things like my parking permit and student ID. But I have all summer.

Maybe it's time to change, and leave it all behind, I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.

I have spent so many years wondering "what is wrong with me?" and "why am I so broken?".  Depression hit when I was thirteen - nearly ten years ago - and ever since then I have been trying to figure out WHY so I could maybe figure out how to make it stop.  Even all of the psychiatrists and therapists at Lakeside couldn't seem to figure out why I was so screwed up in the head.  Dr. Tullos diagnosed me with Spiritual Trauma, which even at the time seemed to me like an easy out for him.  What does that mean?
I don't want to jinx anything, but I honestly feel like things might be changing, for real this time. I'm going on three solid weeks of being happy.  I don't know why.  True, everything in my life does seem to be looking up; I'm going back to school in August, work is going really well for me, I have truly amazing friends, etc.  Still, I can remember times where things were even more perfect, and I was still unable to see how good I had it.

I caught myself thinking the other day that maybe this is what it feels to be normal.  Maybe most people feel like this all the time.  And then - maybe I can finally be one of those people.


I'm not letting my guard down completely.  Experience has told me that as soon as I start to think that the dark times are over, they will come back and I will be unprepared to handle them.  Also, I remain emphatic that I Will Not Break.  No matter what happens, I will not resort to suicidal thoughts or actions, I will not cut, I will not burn, and I will try not to punch anything. This is the first time I have ever been this determined.  Instead of *trying* not to break, I tell myself constantly that these things are not even options for me anymore.



I went to church with my family tonight, for Easter.  I was trying to remember when the last time I'd gone to church was, and I think it might have been last Easter.
I don't have anything against church.  I have nothing again God.  However, I feel that in order for me to figure out what I believe, I need to avoid church.  I have a habit of getting caught up in the religion, and using that to avoid God.  I don't want to do that again.  Also, being that I want to please everyone, it is very hard for me to let everyone down by NOT being the Christian that they want me to be.  However, since I've already DONE this and let them all down, I don't really have anything to lose.  But I really can't go back again unless I know FOR SURE that it's real.  I've lost count of how many times I've "become a Christian" or "rededicated my life", only to realize that I didn't really mean it, or whatever.
I don't think I can handle doing that again, and I don't want to do that to the people around me either.



But, like I said, life is good.  I've been throughly enjoying work.  I feel very confident and capable, and somehow or other everything always works out just right.  I enjoy doing what I do, and I love working with friends.
I am going to school in August.  I think I'm going to have to go up there to take care of some registration issues, and I'm pretty sure it won't happen this week because of my work schedule, but I will get down there soon, and I will make this happen.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not be content with my life unless I do more with it than running catering at a deli - even if I enjoy doing that.


Time will tell if this is real happiness or a hypo-manic episode.  Time will tell if school is really the right thing for me to do.  Time will tell everything.

All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.

Lately, I've been feeling very "at peace" with everything. It's very weird, actually. I mean, I guess it is true that things are going pretty well for me. Work is good. I'm finally happy with my job. And I'm happy now, I'm not looking for anything MORE from it.
I'm planning on going back to school in August. I don't really know what I'm going to decide on for my major. Psychology is definitely out. I'm thinking about law school still. Maybe a double major in PoliSci and English with a Spanish minor? Honestly, I think the important thing is that I'm going back. I'll figure the rest out eventually.

So yes, I'm doing well. But sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I want all of my old demons to be gone once and for all, and they aren't. Then I start wondering "when will I ever be okay?".
But maybe I AM okay.
Maybe the trick to living instead of existing, the key to surviving, is not that one day I wake up and everything is sunshine and roses, but that I learn, little by little, how not to let the bad moments define my life.

And the bottom line is that I am doing well. I am absolutely determined to keep my two most important New Year's resolutions. And I intend to do it without cheating. An entire year with no cutting IS possible. I'm at 160 days.
And the other resolution is going well too, so far. I just can't discuss it here.

I'm also working on not punching things. For the past few years I've learned to channel depression into anger because anger is a more "socially acceptable" emotion (even though for women it is still not "normal"). But I am aware of the fact that the main reason I punch things is because it hurts...not necessarily at the time, because if I'm mad or sad enough I don't really feel it, but later, when my hands are swollen and bruised for days, it hurts. Which makes this yet another form of self injury.
I was going to just focus on not cutting for now, but the past couple of weeks I've been resisting the urge to hit things as well.



A few big things have happened lately that have really impacted me. Some are work related, but a lot of that has been resolved. And although there are still some questions floating around out there, I'm trying not to worry about them. I'm fine for now, and I'm working on having a better future so that I don't have to worry about any of this anymore.

The biggest thing on my mind recently has been an old friend who is a marine. We were really close about six and a half years ago, when we were 15.
He had been in Afghanistan for four months when he stepped on an IED and lost his legs. He survived, and he is now in a hospital in Maryland.
This has been on my mind almost constantly from the time I first heard about it. I don't know exactly what to think. I don't have the words necessary to talk about it.
His testimony started floating around on Facebook a few weeks ago, and then a video of his testimony. I avoided watching it for a while. When I finally did, I couldn't hold back tears.
I don't understand. How can he be so okay with everything? How can he have such complete faith in God through all this?

A story like this would get my attention regardless, but the fact that it's Jake just blows my mind. When we were 15, we both claimed to be atheists. Now here he is, and he has changed so much. It's not a complete shock because we have mutual friends and Facebook makes it easy to keep up with the basics of what is going on with people I haven't talked to in years. But still. Just wow.

I mean, I've changed too. I'm not the same person I was. It's normal to change. I don't know exactly what it is about this that has hit me so hard. But after watching the video and listening to a podcast interview he did, I really don't know what to say.

This is his video. Also, his website is JacobRomo.com. Pass it along and share his amazing story with others.




This next thing may seem insignificant and irrelevant, but it's been something I've thought of A LOT over the past four years.
There is an episode of Roseanne, towards the end of the ninth season, where Darlene and David's baby is born premature. She came two months early, and the doctors told them that there wasn't much chance of her surviving.
The first time I saw this episode was my freshman year of college. It was shortly after the Virginia Tech shooting, and I remember thinking "how could God do this?". I could almost accept things like Virginia Tech and Hurricane Katrina because people aren't perfect and the Bible is full of stories of punishment and destruction. It still doesn't seem right or fair, but it seems more fair than an innocent baby girl being born only to die.
Darlene and David's baby didn't die. But what hit me was that in real life, babies do die. It happens all the time. How can that be justified? How is there and rhyme or reason is that?
I've struggled with this for years. This is the first thing on my list of issues I have with God.

I've been watching Roseanne on Netflix, and last night I finally got to this particular episode. I didn't watch it until this morning. It still makes me cry. But today I realized something else.
No, it doesn't seem fair at all. But through the baby's miraculous survival, the entire family began thanking God for their blessings.
I guess my point is that although it might not make any sense to me, God has a plan and He knows what He is doing.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


I don't have a lot of answers. I'm not really trying to find them either. But I do think I'm finding myself. I feel like I'm learning to accept myself and my flaws and my issues. It's all a part of who I am, so I might as well learn to deal with all of this I stead of waiting for it to get easier or just go away.

Some thoughts on God and religion and stuff

I went to Winter Jam tonight. It's a big Christian music concert I've gone to every year since like 1998. It's funny that I wanted to go though, since I have been avoiding church for about a year (this time...before that I'd avoided church for the most part since I moved away to college in 2006.) It's mostly the nostalgia. The bands change every year. I'm not as into the Christian music scene as I used to be, but I still know who they are. This year I wanted to see Kutless. But also, Newsboys, even with Michael Tate as the lead singer (I don't think that will ever stop being weird to me. Newsboys is supposed to be Australian. I can't sing Shine without an Australian accent. And I grew up listening to Michael Tate in DC Talk. I mean, come on, this is weird.) has so many old memories.

I think I block out the memories of the preaching every year. Otherwise I wouldn't keep going back. Music I can do. Preaching makes me want to run away. I usually don't, but the thought is almost always there. So anyway, I was sitting there listening to Tony Nolan, and I kept thinking. A lot. Usually, when I'm at church, I write. Not notes on the sermon, just thoughts that are sparked by the sermon. Sometimes sarcastic and argumentative, sometimes deep. Just whatever is on my mind.
I wished I had my journal with me, but I didn't. So I started typing on the notepad on my phone. This is what I wrote:

I don't have a problem with God. I have a problem with organized religion. I have a problem with Christianity. I have a problem with Southern Baptists. But the only problem I have with God is that He is associated with all of this.
I don't know exactly what my problems are with religion. I think it's mostly the self righteousness and the hypocrisy. There's more though, I just can't put my finger on it exactly.
I've had all of the cliches of Christianity drilled into my head for so long that I can't ever seem to get them out. It drives me crazy. I hate feeling so brainwashed. And I hate that I tend to go so completely in the opposite direction just because I don't know how else to deal with feeling like I have little or no control over my own thoughts and feelings.

I don't want to admit that I was wrong and everyone else was right. That is a small part of what holds me back from returning to the faith of my childhood.
But I also don't want to go back just because everyone wants me to.
There is no point in going back. I cannot and will not go back. The problem I'm having now is in moving forward. How do I move forward when I can't get all of these teachings out of my head?

I don't know who I am or what I think or feel or believe because I don't know how to think about that apart from all of the beliefs I've have drilled into me since birth. I don't want to be running toward these belief systems or from them; I don't want to be running at all. I was to be still and at peace. Is that too much to ask?

And how you held me in your arms that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry.

I don't remember ever having felt so ridiculously exhausted for such a long period of time.  I don't know if the problem is that I really am not sleeping enough, or if there is something else going on.  I've been working a ton lately, and even when I get a chance to finally sleep, insomnia rears its ugly head.  And since I can't use sleeping pills anymore, all I take is melatonin, which does pretty much nothing at all.

So, every day I am exhausted.  And I'm really tired of being so freaking tired.

 In other news...Memphis got snow AGAIN.  This winter is crazy.  Usually we get MAYBE one snow a winter, and that is usually just a light dusting on the grass that still causes the city to shut down.  But this year?  I think this is the fourth snow.  And the best so far.  It started snowing a little after noon yesterday and snowed for a solid five or six hours.  All while the temperature was actually below freezing.  So it accumulated pretty quickly, making the roads a mess, especially since people in Memphis are horrible drivers anyway, plus they aren't used to winter.

And then today it thawed.  It's still below freezing, but with the stupid sun the majority of the snow is gone.  The roads, which were horrible this morning are now clear.  I am very disappointed.  I wanted to go sledding, but I took a nap instead yesterday, assuming that the snow would still be there today.  By the time I got off work today about two, there wasn't enough snow left to sled on.

And to anyone reading this who lives some place that has an actual winter, I know that 9.4 inches of snow over the course of the entire season is something to laugh at, but this is Memphis.  This just doesn't happen here.

Me?  I'm doing okay.  Grey's Anatomy is once again offering me all kinds of insight into my life.  Depression is pretty much in check.  Work is going okay.  Not great or anything, but everything is okay.  I'm taking everything one day at a time.  It's all I can do.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice, dug my way out, blood and fire. Bad decisions, that's alright, welcome to my silly life.

It was two weeks ago today that I first started feeling sick.  For a while I figured it was just a cold or flu type virus, and if I just took lots of Dayquil/ Nyquil, got lots of rest, and drank plenty of water, that I would be fine in a few days.  However, when I was still running a fever on Saturday, Mom convinced me that I needed to go to the doctor.
I had been planning on skipping Angie's graduation party Saturday night, but in the end I changed my mind and decided to go even though I had a fever of 101.7.  It ended up being a lot of fun, and the advice of several people was proven right: Liquor cures everything.  More specifically, tequila cures everything.  I had a total of five shots and two tequila sunrises, and felt pretty good.  I also sang karaoke with Angie and Melanie.  Which is something I don't do.
I was really glad I went.  I would have regretted not going, and I had a blast hanging out.
Even if the next morning I woke up, still sick, with a wicked hangover.  Even though I did remember to take Advil and drink water before going to bed.  I had been halfway planning on calling out of work sick, but after going to the party I knew I wouldn't be able to go get away with that, so I drug my sick ass to work.  I actually didn't feel that bad - just hungover.  But as the hangover started to fade, I felt sicker again.  I made it through my shift, but barely.  I was working on the line, and every time I read a ticket, I felt like I had to read it once just to read the words, and then again to make any sense of it, and then it took me a second to translate that into actions.  It was bad.  Not to mention we were really busy.

When my shift was finally over, I decided enough was enough and I went to the doctor.  After waiting for what felt like forever, and having a strep test (even though I already knew I didn't have strep, because I've had strep way too many times for me not to know what it feels like), blood drawn, and a chest x-ray, they finally sent me home with a diagnosis of infection in my lung and prescriptions for antibiotics, steroids, and an inhaler.
This past week has been very long and stressful.  On top of being sick (although finally beginning to recover), we had a very busy week at work and I had to go in early and stay late every day on top of being stressed the whole time I was there.  Plus, I've been closing at Ridgeway two nights a week, and that is very stressful and difficult for me.  Tuesday was the first really busy day at work, and then I closed Ridgeway that night and did a really bad job.  I was already feeling bad about that when I went to work Wednesday morning, before Aaron told me that Chris had called and wanted me to call him when I got a chance so he could tell me what I'd done wrong the night before.  We had another busy day that day, and by that night I was emotionally completely overwhelmed.
I ended up being awake until about one in the morning having an emotional breakdown, writing in my journal, and posting on Twitter.

Thursday was equally busy, but we were more prepared for it so it went more smoothly.  I still wasn't feeling well though, was still coughing and wheezing, and still felt weak.  I think my close Thursday night was a little better, but I still don't feel like I did a good job, and I hate that I feel like I'm not doing a good job.

Friday I finally had a good day at work, and after work I went home and did nothing for the rest of the day but rest and watch Grey's Anatomy (which is on Netflix instant view, so I started over at season one, and once again I find myself immersed in the world of the surgical wing of Seattle Grace Hospital and the personal lives of Meredith, Izzie, Christina, George, Alex, Derek, Addison, Preston, Callie, and everyone else).  Saturday was my day off, and although I had every intention of getting some things accomplished, I actually did pretty much nothing except get all of my laundry done.  However, Saturday marked the first day that I could breathe without wheezing, and I finally don't feel bad, so I'm glad I've taken it easy the past few days.
Especially since I noticed that the wheezing and coughing got worse when I was stressed and/or tired.


In other news, my lease is up on my apartment in April, and if I sign a new lease by the 5th of February it will only go up $5/month (as opposed to $10/month if I wait).  I would like to move to a bigger apartment (mine is so small that I can't really rearrange my furniture because there aren't many ways it will fit - and I don't have that much furniture), but after doing a little bit of research, I remember why I moved into this complex in the first place: it's the only place in a decent area that I can afford.  Or at least almost afford, most months.
So I'm pretty sure I'm going to resign my lease and stay here for another year.  After which, I really hope to be in a better place financially.


I have a lot of things to worry about lately.  I would rather not list them all here, but suffice it to say that my mind has been sufficiently overwhelmed.  The past few days of relaxing have given me a bit of perspective, however, and I realize that when I try to think about too many things at once I end up freaking out and shutting down and actually accomplishing nothing at all.  My new philosophy is Baby Steps (like in What About Bob).  Instead of worrying about everything at once, I'm going to (try to) focus on one or two small things at a time, and fix those first.
Today, I filed my taxes.
Tomorrow, I need to clean my apartment.  I also need to make a maintenance request for my bathroom sink and my bathtub.

Long term, I need to go back to school, which will fix my problems at work by making work less important.  However, I know myself enough to know that right now I'm in a fairly fragile emotional state and instead of trying to fix it all, or do something big, I think first I need to do a few smaller things to build my confidence.


I've had three good days.  Friday, Saturday, and today.  Tomorrow is starting a new week, and to be honest, I don't know what to expect.  I have three doubles, and I'm scheduled 41 hours this week.  Hopefully, I will get through it.

I would catch a grenade for you.

I woke up this morning with a horrible sore throat and what I assumed was a fever (I lost my thermometer a couple of years ago, so I couldn't be sure), and discovered that I had depleted my medicinal supply the last time I was sick so I had to go to work feeling like crap.
After work I bought the essentials (Dayquil and Nyquil of course, plus a new thermometer and chloraseptic spray), and used two of my free Redbox codes to rent Easy A and Social Network. Since then, I've been perched on my couch with my snuggie.
Easy A was good, and now it's time for a TV break before Social Network.

I really hope I feel much better tomorrow, because it's my first day closing at Ridgeway. I'm really nervous about it, but I've already had my freak out about on Saturday night, so I think I'll be fine. I hope so anyway. (Plus, as long as I'm keeping this public, there is only so much I can say.)

I'm doing okay for the most part. I'm making a point to make better choices from here on out. So far I haven't done anything stupid in 2011 (and yes, I know it's only been 17 days).

I'm trying to be optimistic in general.


Also, IRC is back! Server: EsperNet Channel: #youthoftomorrow. It's been way to long since the days of YoT.

Post Created Jan 1, 2011 5:25:16 PM

Life is good right now, I think. I'm not really sure from week to week. I'm just taking everything one day at a time.
I'm trying to have enough money to pay my bills without needing help from Mom and Dad. I'm not really doing so well with that.

Work is...okay at the moment. Really, everything in my life seems kind of calm right now. Drama with friends is minimal. The people who are most important to me are happy right now. This makes me happy.

I finally watched Ramona and Beezus last night (thank you Redbox free movie codes) and thought it was awesome. So cute, so many people in it that I like, and it totally took me back to when I was little and rather obsessed with the books.

I'm still working on getting ringtones on my new phone. It's kind of a pain to have to download them to my computer in order to put them on my phone, but it is totally with it, because the iPhone makes it so much easier not to have Internet at home. I can even watch Netflix instant view.

I haven't been writing much lately. I think it's because for the most part things are going well and I don't feel the need to write. But also, I'm trying to stop overanalyzing everything so much. There was an "incident" about two months ago that scared me, and I decided that to try and figure out exactly why it happened would be more likely to send me into a tailspin than to actually solve anything, so I've just been working on living.